The Cold and Lonely Darkness of Life?

"Never Let You Go"-Manafest
When you're awake and you can't believe your eyes
'Cause all the truth that you knew has turned to lies
When you're scared and you can't see past a day
Remember who holds tomorrow
Know his love will light the way

Hold on when everything is shaking
Stand strong when the ground is falling through
Reach out to my hand in the darkness
That's holding you
I'll be your peace in the waiting
Your strength when you're broken on the floor
Hold on, it's all worth fighting for
'Cause I will never let you go
I will never let you go

When you look in the mirror and you run away
'Cause all you see are the scars from yesterday
When the parade goes by and you fell alone
Never lose hope to sorrow
You're closer than you know

Hold on when everything is shaking
Stand strong when the ground is falling through
Reach out to my hand in the darkness
That's holding you
I'll be your peace in the waiting
Your strength when you're broken on the floor
Hold on it's all worth fighting for
'Cause I will never let you go
I will never let you go

When the road is hard and your faith is shaking
Never look back on the steps you're taking
You're more to me than you could ever know

Hold on when everything is shaking
Stand strong when the ground is falling through
Reach out to my hand in the darkness
I'm holding you
I'll be your peace in the waiting
Your strength when you're broken on the floor
Hold on it's all worth fighting for
'Cause I will never let you go...
I will never let you go
I will never let you go...
You're more to me than you could ever know

So, the new offshore position of hubby is still requiring adjustments 8 months later! Some hitches are easier than others. This hitch departure was horrible. As Josh walked out the door, I felt my heart sink. I felt so alone and sick all at once. Oh, the pain of him walking out the door that night...

And as I lay in bed with my eyes staring into the darkness, I prayed a simple prayer. "Dear God, please take this pain and give me peace. And please do the same for Josh." It was instant--the calm swept over me. The weight lifted and I had relief. I sometimes can not go back to sleep when Josh wakes me up to say his farewells at 2:00 AM. But this time, even after the awful pain, I had rest, true rest!!

God is there for us any time of day. God hears us when we pray. He is our calm in the storm. He may not calm the storms, but He brings us peace as we go through those times in our lives. And I know these promises to be true, so why do I doubt them or struggle to tough it out on my own? I reached out in the darkness and found His hand holding me.

The darkness was no longer empty and cold. I didn't feel alone anymore. The pain subsided, although it was still present. You see, the promises of peace and reassurance and strength and comfort and guidance...they are true. But, we still have to experience life. You know, if we never needed Him, would we still go to Him? By needing Him to fulfill those promises, He has opportunity to let His glory shine through us.

That night was a reaffirmation of God's promises to me. I don't get to skip all of the pain and struggles, but I don't have to experience it alone. i can have His hand to hold me in the darkness. I just have to reach out to grab it. My simple prayer was just a small thought, a portion of a conversation. But it was heard.

This song speaks to my past, present, and future. I have had times when I did look in the mirror and saw only the scars of my past. I can remember being trapped in sorrow. I remember, not that long ago, that I was broken on the floor. I couldn't see past an hour, much less a day!

But now, I know that I have a hand to reach out to...I have strength when I am weak...I matter to Him! Knowing all of this, and more, I am encouraged to not stare into the cold, empty darkness and feel alone. Instead, I reach out to His hand in the darkness and allow Him to hold me and carry me through the storm. And suddenly the dark is not so dark, and the night is not so cold and lonely. And my God is there with me.

"Hey...He's Singin' My Song"

"Everything You Do"--Steven Curtis Chapman

You're picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door

While I may not know you,
 I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes does it matter at all?

Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause he made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of His grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

Maybe you're that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers
Cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff
Big stuff
In between stuff
God sees it all the same

While I may not know you
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?

Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long as
You do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause He made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And everything you do

Maybe you're sitting in math class
Or maybe on a mission in the Congo
Or maybe working at the office
Singing along with the radio

Maybe you're dining at a 5-star
Or feeding orphans in the Myanmar
Anywhere and everywhere that you are

Whatever you do
It all matters
So do what you do
Don't ever forget

To do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause He made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace

As you do everything you do for the glory of the One who made you,
Cause He made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

In every little thing you do
In every little thing you do

WOW! When I heard the very first part of this song, I totally went "YES! That is me!" I cherish my responsibility of being a mother. I would have it no other way. I chose to stay home after our fourth child arrived. We worked so hard and prayed so long for children. I sorta have a hard time having someone else caring for them. But...

There are some times that I feel like, "Am I making a difference?" "Is it worthy of praise?" But then This song comes along and it really speaks to my heart. But it should speak to every one's heart.

From this I realized just what all I did meant. You see, cleaning up the chronic kid messes, doing the mountains of laundry, hanging out with the kiddos...it is all awesome in God's eyes. It is all awesome as long as I approach all that I do with the intention of bringing glory to God's name.

You see from the most simplistic of tasks to the most intricate skill, they all amount to awesome in God's eyes as long as you do it to bring glory to His name. This is something that I self-evaluated a couple of years ago. I stepped back to look at what things I did in life and the intentions behind them.

What I found was the more I did to bring glory to His name, the more I wanted to to do to bring glory to His name. But, at that point, I never really looked at my "MomMom Duties" as something that could bring God glory. So...

When I get frustrated by the day to day messes...When I wonder if the 10 loads of laundry that I folded today are that meaningful...When I question the value of all of the many jobs I do in the basic housekeeping direction...I need to remember that its all in my approach. I can do all that I have been doing but make it that much more meaningful by changing my approach and do it ALL to bring glory to the One who made me!

"He Knows Me!"

Any of you who may have read any number of my other entries know that I am deeply touched by music. Music speaks to my heart. And, it carries great messages that often put into words what I have in my heart.

A lot of times what I am holding in my heart comes out and surprises me. A song is just the catalyst to add to the unknowns in my heart to end up with an unexpected response. For example, read the lyrics to the Fireflight song "Name".

Seven days old in the ICU tonight
Little baby boy, they don't wanna have to say goodbye
Your mother's on the phone, your father's in the hall
Praying God save his life

He sees you, He's near you
He knows your face, He knows your pain
He sees you and He loves you
He knows your name, He knows your name

Four doors down there's a man who just won't wake up
he crashed so hard and the doctors wanna pull the plug
Praying God'll just show up

He sees you, He's near you
He knows your face, He knows your pain
He sees you and He loves you
He knows your name, He knows your name

Maybe you're alone in the corner of an empty house
Or maybe you're the one no one notices in the crowd

He sees you, He's near you
He knows your face, He knows your pain
He sees you and He loves you
He knows your name, He knows your name
He knows your name
He knows your name

I found myself crying while driving down the road. That song hit me on so many different levels! The first hurt came right away.

My thoughts flew to my niece, Erynn, who died nearly 2 1/2 years ago. The hours that led up to her death sounded like they could have come out of this song. Then my thoughts went to our dear family friend "BJ" who died right after Erynn did. Again, the series of events leading to his death could have been lyrics in this song. H how I miss them both!

But then it hit me on a personal note. He sees me. He hears me. He knows my name. He knows my face, my pain. He is near to me through my day to day life and through the darkest moments of despair. Even if I feel alone or like my life is suddenly spiraling out of control, God is right there.

Through those dark days where I felt so helpless and lost, He was there. He guided people into our lives with words of wisdom and comfort. He gave my husband strength he never knew was possible. He gave me peace, calm, and reassurance.

He saw me and stayed with me. He knows my face and knew the pain that I was experiencing. He saw and loves me. He knows my name and held my hand through it all. He was as near as I would permit. All I had to do was ask.

I will never forget that pain. But perhaps more than the pain, I will never forget that He knows my name. "I am with your, Sarah." Audible words that showed that He knew what I was experiencing, He came to be by me and He knew my name and spoke it to bring me peace!

"The Constant Gardener of My Soul"

Today as I was leaving the drive, I marveled at the lush growth of our oak trees. It occurred to me that it pained me to think about having to cut away the growth at the bottom. But in order to encourage them to grow upward and outward, the growth had to be pruned away.

Then I realized something else. We are all like those oak trees. God is our constant Gardener. Without Him, we would not grow. He prunes us, and it is often a painful process. However, it promotes healthy growth of our souls upward and outward.

The upward growth is that which encourages us to reach more toward our Heavenly Father. The outward growth is that which encourages us to grow out ourselves and reaching out more to others. Just like our pruning of our trees is for their betterment, so too is the Gardener's pruning of our souls. We do not prune the trees to bring them harm, and God does not prune our souls to bring them harm.

There are many things in life that bring us pain. There are tough things that we must face. Some of the hardest things we have to endure are events that make us evaluate the status of our souls. The process of evaluating ourselves, painful as it may be, produces growth.

We have all been through times in our lives where we feel we have been put to the test. We have heard the saying :"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I now feel that there is more depth to those life changing experiences.

As I look back on all of the pain I endured leading up to and following the big fall out (for lack of a better word), I can now see it as  part of the pruning process. I feel that the event that altered my life was not all on me. But through my struggles, I learned to worry less about others and their wrong doings.

I changed my focus to be on pleasing God not others. If I am doing something for the glory of God, it should not bring harm to others. By doing things with the sole intention of bringing Him glory, I move my focus upward which allows me to reach outward. But oh if you only knew the pain and struggles of the pruning process that brought me to this point.

I sometimes have to revisit the concept of God being the Gardener of my soul. I can ask questions of Him. I can complain at the pain and discomfort of the experiences. But ultimately I have to rely on the fact that God will take those hurtful experiences and use them to shape me into a better person: a better woman, a better wife, a better mother, a better Christian.

I know that God does not cause the events that hurt me. He does not make people do things that bring so much hurt. But as the Gardener of my soul, He takes those painful moments and hurtful things that people have done and uses them as a gardener uses his pruning shears. He cuts away some areas in my soul to allow for my spiritual growth outward and upward. And....despite the discomfort of it sometimes, I am thankful I have a Gardener,  a Constant Tender, of my soul!

"God Is Everywhere-Do You Hear Him?"

At the same seminar in the same spirituality session, our speaker gave an illustration, true story. I will not be able to remember it all, but I can at least offer a good idea of what they story was.

There was a young, totally unchurched girl. She went to the beach with a parent (I think). The adult watched her enter the water and put out her arms and hands and sway back and forth with the waves. Then she came to the sand and ran her fingers and toes through it and sat for hours letting the handfuls of sand slowly slide through her fingers back to the ground.

When she was finished, the adult asked her what she was doing to which she re;lied she was listening to God and was with God. Where? He was in the waves, in the sand. He was the waves, He was the sand. WOW! The innate spirituality of that child...imagine if it had been nurtured!

The speaker also addressed that many people's experiences of truly sensing God, feeling God, even hearing God happen when out in nature. I mean that makes sense, right?! Take away all of the technological diversions. Put yourself outside with no phone, cell phone, computer, etc. Allow yourself to be a part of God's creation and really experience nature.

It is the perfect environment for truly connecting to God. Jesus would go off to be alone in prayer, often up on a mountain. Alone, outside in God's creation is the best way to get in tune with our Creator. This is something that I can testify to.

After beginning my upward climb out of the pit, I spent a day fasting and writing in my prayer journal. I wrote all I had in my heart. I poured my prayers to God onto the pages of my journal. Looking at those pates today remind me of His answers to my prayers.

As I sat on the bench outside taking a break between entries, I found myself mulling over all of the events that had led up to that point. I was asking a lot of questions, beginning to feel a bit of anxiety as to how I was going to respond to the persons involved, how I was going to change things or be changed...I could go on and on about all of the questions I had. As I sat watching the breeze blow through the trees in the woods, I heard God.

I felt Him in the breeze. I saw Him everywhere in His creation. But I heard Him say my name. His voice was soft, gentle, but strong. "I am with you, Sarah." Those words would carry me through even darker days ahead. But I cannot describe to you the calm, the depth, the warmth, the reassurance that His voice brought my soul that day.

God is truly everywhere. If you are still, you might just hear Him. Take yourself away from all distractions. Sit outside in His creation. He is there. do you hear Him?

"Spirituality"

At a recent children's ministries conference, ,I attended a session dealing with children's spirituality. The leaders stressed the importance of spirituality. They said that it is important to nurture the spirituality of a child. They also said that it was important to let children experience spirituality with their senses. Music was an important factor as well as getting up and moving with the words and the music.

As the session progressed, a discussion began that addressed children seeing and talking to spirits. The speakers said that too often, adults dismiss it and attempt to quash that sort of talk. She said that we as adults spend so much of our lives trying to get back to that depth of spirituality because someone quashed it in us at some point.

During this part of the discussion it was stressed that we not discount that sort of idealism from our children. Instead we need to talk with them about it. We need to encourage them to share as much detail as possible. Talking to/seeing spirits is real. Not all of it is good. a child needs to be trained so as to not be opened and vulnerable to evil. Because, while many people don't like talking about it, the devil is real and evil is out there in the world.

If we make it to where our children are embarrassed to share their experiences, we may not be able to protect them. They need to know that it is okay to come to us, that what they have experienced is real. We also need to be open to having discussion with them as to the nature of the experience.

As I sat in that discussion, I felt great understanding of the experiences. Almost two years ago, I traveled a very dark road. After some very emotionally traumatizing events, I entered into a very deep depression. As I felt the heaviness of despair, I could see the skewed view I had but could not change it.

With my past emotional abuse, mistakes, and insecurities, the actions of certain persons pushed me over the edge. I felt myself falling and could do nothing to stop it. After a specific event, I walked into a room one way, but left feeling like a worthless mistake of a person.

Satan took all of my past and present hurts and used them against me. He came into my home and whispered (not literally but figuratively) all of my flaws to me over and over again. All I could hear was I was a horrible person. All I could see was failure. All I could feel was worthless. I could see all of it happening but could not stop it or change it.

As I leaned on my husband for support and was brutally honest about where I stood mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, he realized the severity of the situation. I sought medical help and he sought spiritual guidance from a pastor friend.

That night he received the strength from God to be the husband that he needed. He got guidance about how we as a couple should proceed. He had confidence and that gave me peace. As I cried until I had no more tears, I found strength in his strength and my resolve led me to speak aloud to the darkness in my home.

I spoke to and against Satan and told him he was not welcome in my soul, in my home, or near my children. As soon as I did that, there was a total peace and calm that filled my soul and relaxed and my mind and my and my body. I knew it was going to be okay. And that began our journey with God as a couple that led us down uncharted roads.

I know that evil is lurking there, just waiting for any opportunity to invite itself in. A young child's heart is easy prey if it has not been nurtured. That includes nurturing the child's spirituality, acknowledging that there are spiritual entities that can be good or evil.

It is a bit of a touch subject. It is not easy to understand. But, I know as I sat and listened to that session, I felt a sense of urgency to grow my children's spirituality, to direct it, and to have open dialogue about hearing spirits.

As a parent, it is my responsibility to guard and nurture my children's spirituality. As a church member, it is also my responsibility to do the same for the children in our church. Children are precious, and they are our future. I want the best for our future, don't you?

"What's Your Life Forecast?"

Well, the truth that comes from the mouths of children is so profound and sometimes has depth that far surpasses any words that the most elaborate speaker could ever utter.

One day my four children and I were having a discussion about the look-ahead forecast for the next five days. We were sitting around the computer, and they were asking questions based on the icons that they saw. They began asking if tomorrow was going to be sunny. when out of nowhere, my youngest child very confidently stated, "It just depends on God. He's in charge of that."

The faith and honesty of a child is so sweet, so true, and so deep. I have learned in so many instances just how much adults could learn from children. The statement, "Have faith like a child." immediately ran through my mind.

There was no doubt in her voice. There was no hesitation in her statement. She was strong in her faith that God is in charge. How much easier would our lives be if we just accepted that simple statement?! If we would just stop the power battle and relinquish it to God, we would have that much more energy and time to devote to other things. O how simple yet so complex a statement of advice: "Have faith like a child."

Jesus valued children. He placed them on His knee; He listened to them and spoke with them (not to them). He knew the importance of children. We should follow His example--we could get so much from it. The blessings that you can receive from a child/children are innumerable and indescribable. Their hearts are true, and their words are honest.

I'll close this brief entry with an excerpt from a choir anthem entitled "Let the Children Come"

....The Kingdom of God
Belongs to such as these
Have faith like a child
For with this our God is pleased
Our God is pleased
Our God is pleased.

Let the children come unto me,
Let the children come to me.
Bring them near,
Bring them here.
Let laughter fill this place
And love shine on each face.
Let the children come to me.